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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23196070">Hardly Existing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulFeline/pseuds/wishfulFeline'>wishfulFeline</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pocket Monsters: Sword &amp; Shield | Pokemon Sword &amp; Shield Versions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Existential Crisis, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Rivals to Lovers, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Crush, almost canon compliant, bcs he loves him, but victor wants to know everything abt hop, he doesnt want victor to know that, hop is sad as hell bro, maybe but its one chapter so it could be</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:48:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,857</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23196070</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulFeline/pseuds/wishfulFeline</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why are you avoiding me?” Victor asks again. <br/>“I’m not avoi—“ Hop’s lie is cut short by Victor banging his fist on the side of the building, making Hop jump.<br/>“I didn’t ask if you were, I’m asking why you are!” Victor clarifies angrily. <br/>Hop bites his lip and squints. “Why are you so upset about this?”<br/>Victor is stunned into silence before he just gets angrier. “Because I care about you? And I’m worried about you!?” He clutches Hop’s shoulders. “Please tell me what’s wrong.” His voice cracks.<br/>That’s enough to make Hop struggle. “I don’t want to make you worried.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hop/Masaru | Victor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>140</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hardly Existing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>For the past two gyms, Hop has been as elusive as possible to Victor. And Victor has begun to take notice. And he isn’t happy about it. Even when he sees Hop, the other just seems to ignore him and book it! </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They started this journey together, didn’t they? Victor assumed that Hop would keep challenging him left and right, but for whatever reason it had petered out into complete lack of interaction. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Victor decides that the next time he sees Hop <strong>he’s</strong> going to challenge <strong>him</strong> to a battle! And he isn’t going to take no for an answer! </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Circhester gym is where he finally gets his chance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There you are!” Victor exclaims, rudely pointing at Hop across the room. The purple haired boy jolts up into awareness, solemn expression instantly replaced with one of terror.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Huh? Oh, hey Victor!” Hop says, forcing a smile on his face as the brunette quickly approaches him. It’s impossible for him to unstiffen his muscles as fast. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hop! I’ve been looking for you for like—Days!” Victor says with a pout, grabbing the ends of Hop’s jacket. “I figured we’d have battled a few times recently, but you keep disappearing on me!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop puts his hands up defensively, looking away. “Sorry, mate! I guess I’ve just been in such a rush that I haven’t seen you coming!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think that’s true,” Victor states blankly, regaining Hop’s attention and eyes full of fear. “Why have you been avoiding me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Avoiding you? Victor, you’re my best friend! I wouldn’t do that!” Hop lies, laughing nervously. He tries to step back, but Victor’s grip on his jacket stops him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why won’t you battle me? Let’s battle right now!” Victor insists. To his curiosity, he sees the way Hop seems to grow even more afraid at the demand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah, mate, my team is tired, we—not right now, alright? Next time, for sure!” Hop continues to lie. He yanks his jacket away from Victor’s grasp. Victor hurriedly grabs it back. “Man, what’s your issue?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m worried about you!” Victor shouts, before noticing the way they’re beginning to get stared at. “Talk with me about this outside. Right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. There isn’t anything to talk about,” Hop answers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does Leon know what’s going on with you? Do I need to talk to him?” Victor asks bitterly. Hop’s breath catches in his throat before he sighs and wordlessly heads to the exit, grabbing Victor's wrist and taking him with him. Victor gives him no chance of escaping, barricading him to the side of the gym with his body.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you avoiding me?” Victor asks again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not avoi—“ Hop’s lie is cut short by Victor banging his fist on the side of the building, making Hop jump.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t ask <strong>if</strong> you were, I’m asking <strong>why</strong> you are!” Victor clarifies angrily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop bites his lip and squints. “Why are you so upset about this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor is stunned into silence before he just gets angrier. “Because I care about you? And I’m worried about you!?” He clutches Hop’s shoulders. “Please tell me what’s wrong.” His voice cracks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s enough to make Hop struggle. “I don’t want to make you worried.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hop, I’m already worried,” Victor reminds him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop clenches his fists. “I don’t want you to blame yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That catches Victor’s attention. "What's that supposed to mean?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's just...it's my problem. It's my fault, I don't want anyone else to be held responsible for how I feel right now," Hop continues vaguely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How do you feel right now?" Victor asks, voice softer and less demanding than before. He can feel Hop's shell beginning to crack.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop can't help but frown. His sadness seeps into his expression as his willpower is shut down. "I'm really sad."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What are you sad about?" Victor lessens how harshly he's holding Hop captive.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop looks down at his feet. He closes his eyes for a second to gather his thoughts. "I'm not good at this. I'm not good at <em>anything.</em> All this time, I just...keep talking big in hopes that'll push me to fulfill my promises. But no matter how hard I try, I keep failing and losing." He sounds small. Hop sounds like he wants to collapse into himself and never speak another word. He does.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor gives Hop's shoulders a reassuring squeeze, expression concerned but encouraging. "That isn't true, mate. You couldn't have made it this far if you weren't a good Pokémon trainer."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop retreats even further, pressing his back hard against the wall behind him. "I'm just barely passing. I'm not good, Victor, I'm just...decent. I'm average. I'm really average in every way." Hop fiddles with the bottom of his shirt anxiously. He's trying not to turn the conversation as serious as it easily could become. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor pouts. "You're the Champion's little brother, I'd say that's not all that average."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop clenches his teeth, eyebrows dipping further down. "And that's all I'll ever be!" he shouts suddenly. He looks up to meet Victor's eyes. "I'm sick of that! I'm so tired of just being Lee's little brother, that's the only reason I've ever stood out! I'm just—I'm not good enough! I'm not good enough, I'm just a stupid failure! I can never beat you, or Bede, and especially not Lee!" Tears start to form in his eyes as he clutches fistfuls of his shirt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Victor, I'm such a loser. I feel bad for my team for having such a shoddy trainer. I feel bad you've...you've got such a garbage rival," Hop finishes, voice weak. His frown is deep and he's struggling to keep the tears back. "I hate myself," he says, barely audible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor sighs, breath shaky. He's at a loss. Hop always seemed so headstrong, he hadn't expected his self confidence to have deteriorated this much since his battle with Bede. Victor doesn't realize that these feelings started long before then. "That ain't true at all. You're doing a great job! Everybody can see how hard you're trying. Your Pokémon love you, I'm sure they can see it too. You'll make it though this!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop shakes his head, causing tears to fall from his eyes. "No!" he nearly shouts, voice breaking. "You don't get it! I wanted so badly to do well during this, but it doesn't—it hardly matters anymore! No matter how far I make it, I'm still gonna be a loser in the end!" He brings up a hand to hide his face. "And everyone is just gonna forget about me. I'm not...I'm. I'm worthless, Vic, I hate myself," Hop reiterates. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor reaches up and grabs Hop's wrist to pull it away, make Hop look at him when he tells him how much he believes in him—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't expect the way Hop winces and yelps, almost immediately trying to yank it away. Victor's eyebrows shoot up. <em>Don't tell me that he's been...</em></span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He forces Hop's arm away from his face and let's go of Hop's shoulder to tug up his jacket sleeve.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No! No, don't look!" Hop cries, frantically trying to escape. Victor stares blankly at Hop's wrist. The once smooth skin covered from the very base of his hand down past his sleeve where Victor can no longer see where they end in scabs. Some seem nearly healed, but the ones at the top are fresh enough that the cuts reopened with the force of Victor's hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor's breath catches in his throat. He can't breathe. <em>This can't be real. </em></span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I just—I swear, I don't want to die! I just—! T-There's a lot of reasons! I don't want to die, I'd much rather have just never been born!" Hop rambles in vain, only making things worse. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All at once, the severity of the situation crashes down and crushes him like an avalanche. What would Victor’s life be without Hop? <strong>Who</strong> would Victor be without Hop? First of all, people would probably still all call him Masaru. The nickname was given to him by Hop and it stuck in such a way that Victor doesn’t even hesitate to introduce himself as such. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Masaru was just a shy little kid from Sinnoh. He hardly ever spoke up or asked for anything. He hardly existed at all. But Hop came along and gave him an existence. Hop translated his name to Galarian and decided that from their very first meeting that they’d be friends. And Victor decided there was no one he wanted to be by more than Hop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Being a Pokémon trainer likely would have been nothing but a passing thought if not for his excited neighbor’s persistence. At the beginning, Victor hardly cared about winning or losing. If Hop wanted him to be his rival, then he wanted to be Hop’s rival. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then things changed. Victor did start to care. The more he trained the more he wanted to get stronger. The stronger he got the more he won. The more he won the more he wanted to keep winning. And he did. Again and again, Victor won, and battling became his life force, the thing that gave his existence meaning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Did he even need Hop anymore? That question is worthless. Victor wasn’t sure if he could say he really needed anyone. But more than anything, even more than he wanted to become Champion, he wanted Hop to stay his best friend forever. The idea of Hop permanently leaving his life, in this moment, instantly becomes his worst fear. It’s even scarier than death itself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Would being Champion even be any fun without Hop as his rival? Or if not rival, his partner? Hop was like a brother to him—almost. There were ways Victor yearned for Hop that he’d never feel if they were related. Victor’s first friend, his first rival, his first inspiration, and his first, strongest love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor lurches forward, tightly hugging Hop and clutching his close. He wanted to protect him, his most precious person...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor hugs Hop harder the second he tries to pull away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Victor, you gotta le—“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop shuts his mouth at the sound of Victor sobbing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, mate, please don’t cry...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop pats Victor’s head. Victor cries harder at that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How am I supposed to not cry when you do!? You’re my best friend!” Victor wails.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re the reason I started any of this! We’re rivals! How am I supposed to keep trying without you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But...Marnie and Bede...?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor shakes his head vehemently. “You’re my number one, Hop!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hop hugs Victor back just as tightly. In a very small voice he says. “Oh. Thank you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course...ugh, please, just—!! Hop, we should take a break if you need one! Or—At least let me stick by you! I don’t want you to avoid me!” Victor pleads. Hop rests his cheek on Victor’s shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Hop replies quietly. He’s still scared, he still hates himself, but deep down he doesn’t want to feel like this. He wants to be with Victor and be happy, like things used to be. “Okay,” he repeats. “Let’s take a little break tomorrow.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Victor agrees immediately.</span>
</p>
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